Just Griping Again

I did a lot of weeding today and I’m tired. I started somewhere around 8:30 this morning and finished somewhere after 2:00, I think. I got the driveway and the back patio weeded and I got a lot of exercise. Dolly and Zach helped for a bit but they got bored after a short while and moved on to other things. I dressed in my grungiest clothing and got filthy. I’ve also got a monster blister on the inside of my thumb. Hey, what’s the point of hard work if you’re not going to have battle scars? I was very proud of the work I did but now there isn’t anything left for me to do tomorrow (today, actually, it’s 12:13 right now).

I’m starting to get worried about Monday; more for the kids than anything. We knew the routine at their schools in Independence, but things here are a little sketchy. I’m going to have to drop them all off at school and hope there are teachers there to show the kids what to do. They’ll all be getting breakfast so they’ll need to know what to do first and all that. Dolly isn’t actually going until Thursday, then she doesn’t go again until Monday, the 30th. Something about a staggered start giving the teachers a better chance to get to know the kids. Um, okay, whatever they say.

The secretary at Dolly’s school actually told me that Dolly will have to drop by her classroom to tell her teacher she’s going to get breakfast before coming to class. Is this chick serious? This is a four year old. They better have someone there to direct the kids when they walk into the building. Dolly already told me she’s nervous and feeling shy. She won’t speak to anyone on her own and may just burst into tears, knowing her. I hope not, though. I’m sure all the kids will do fine and that my anxiety is just a reflection of my own fear of change. I don’t handle change well at all, and it really sucks.

I’ve got my own shit to plan and get working on once the kids are settled in school. I have to find work, whether it’s something part time while I get the paralegal stuff going, or actually just jumping in with the paralegal stuff right away. I’m confused and not really sure which direction to take. I do know that I need to make up a portfolio of sorts of all the legal documents I prepared while I was in school. I’ll do that for Ellen and me so that we’ve got proof that we can actually do the work. That’ll be a start. After that I’m lost. It’s scary to be lost, dontcha know.

I haven’t worked outside my home since just before Tyler was born. I tried doing medical billing from home but the work they gave me took way too long for the money they paid. Then I didn’t work at all until after Paul left. That’s when I started doing the online tutoring. That was fine for a while but then my classes waned and it wasn’t worth my time to sit and wait, once a week, for one student who may, or may not, arrive at all for the session. Either way, I’ve been home since the beginning of October of 2001. Now I have to head back out into the big bad world to begin earning a living.

What really sucks, and I’m sure I mentioned this, is that Dolly will only be out of the house for three hours every morning. I’m going to have to drive very fast to get done what I need so that I can be here when she gets home. I’ll be in hyper-drive or something. I mean, honestly, what kind of job can I get that I’ll only have to work from 8:45 until 11:30 that will give me enough time to drive back home to get her off the bus, or out of school? It would have to be really close since I’ll be dropping her off at school around 8:40. Okay, so I’ll have to be at work at 8:50, but still. Now do you understand my anxiety?


I was moving here to try and make a better life for us but I’m stuck now and in the exact same position I was in before I moved, worse even. She’s only out of the house for three hours here; in Independence she was gone from 11:40 until 4:30. If they moved her to a morning class this year, I would have had four hours or so to get some work. This is why I say the Universe hates me. I try to do something for the better and It takes my plans, twists them around, and then laughs at me while I panic and sit here in misery. How fair is that, I ask you. I know, nobody said life would be fair. Fuck fair!! When do I get my shot at anything good, where all my plans work out just the way I want them to? Where I don’t have to sit worrying all the time? Where I can just wake up in the morning and say, “Wow, today everything will be fine and will go according to my schedule, just the way I want it.” I can answer that – Never. You know why? Because the Universe hates me.

That’s why I’m destined to be a lonely, bitter, old woman with no cats, one friend, and my kids drawing straws over whose turn it is to call me on Saturday. We’ve been through this, just the other night, remember? Actually I can’t even be bitter since I know it’s going to happen. And my one friend (Ellen) will have her own, exciting, life and won’t really have time for me; and who can blame her? Even Sonny won’t talk to me anymore. How many young guys do you know who want to hang around with their mom’s friends? Um, none. Sure, he’ll have distant memories of the lady who watched football with him, once upon a time, and he may even ask Ellen, once or twice, about “the lady who lived with us that time. Bertha, I think her name was…” See, people won’t even remember my name. I see how it is.

Ugh, major funk setting in again – still. So be it. At least I have, will have, my readers; those I imagine are actually reading what I write. Hey, a girl’s gotta have a dream, right? If my dream is to imagine that people actually read me, then that’s how it is. I’ve got no fantasy men to dream about, and I don’t play the lottery, so this will have to do. When you’re me, you can judge; until then, zip it. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something more fun to write about; perhaps I'll even make you laugh. I’m out of words now, though, so I’m going to bed. PLEH!

Until next time…peace to all.