Another Pity Party; and Probably Repetitive

I’m reading a book that I borrowed from Ellen and I came across a line in it tonight that made me want to put down the book for good. “How can you believe in love?” That’s what the character in the book wanted to know. I can answer that question for me, and the answer is “I can’t.” I can believe in the kind of love that occurs between parent and child or between friends. I can’t believe in the kind of love that occurs between mates. I don’t think it exists; not for me anyway. “Gee, I can see why,” you’re saying to yourself, “This chick is so negative all the time it’s a wonder anyone wants to be around her at all.” What-the-fuck-ever. I’m in a bad mood today; I’ve had a shitty day today and I have the right to be negative if I want to be negative.

My kids are treating me like shit and lacking all respect for everyone in the household. If this is what I have to face whenever they have a visit with their dad, something has to be done. I can’t do this every month. Regardless, back to the subject at hand, now you’re saying, “But you’re always negative about the subject of love.” I have that right, too. I’ve never had real love in my life, and I wouldn’t know true love if it walked up and slapped me in the face. I don’t think I even know how to love anyone other than my children and my real friends. The men I’ve been in relationships with all claimed to love me but I always thought “true love” was supposed to be unconditional. None of my so-called mates ever loved me unconditionally, nor I them. I did in the beginning, I think, until they all started to want to change me in some way. Then I decided that I didn’t like being treated that way and tried to rectify it. When it never worked, my “love” faded and that shouldn’t happen, right? I honestly don’t know.

Someone asked me one night what my idea of a perfect mate would be and I honestly couldn’t answer because the only thing I’ve ever learned about love and relationships that is positive is what I’ve seen in the movies and on TV. That’s my only frame of reference for this particular topic and my only basis for comparison. I know that people all have little idiosyncrasies that their mate is supposed to accept and perhaps even find endearing. I’ve never known that toward or from anyone. All of my relationships have always had some element of abusive behavior in them whether it was mental, emotional, verbal, or physical; one or more always played a part in my life. My last relationship, the one with my ex-husband, was the worse and contained all the elements of abuse at once. So now I don’t even want to be in a relationship at all. What happens if the next one is worse than the last?

Yes, I know the red flags to look for in a potentially abusive relationship; I know the patterns of behavior to be aware of, and the twists and turns a guy will take to get his foot in the door of his potential victim. Still, what if those flags appear and I take the initiative and decide to get out sooner rather than later, but the dude turns into a psycho instantly? What if he decides to begin the true abuse earlier than he regularly would simply because I told him things weren’t working between us? What if he’s worse than my ex? I won’t be able to deal with that, nor can I take the chance that my kids will end up being involved somehow, some way. That wouldn’t be fair to them after all they’ve been through so far. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than to risk getting into a worse relationship than the last one I left. As and added bonus, not only do I not risk an abusive relationship, I also don't risk getting hurt emotionally; that means, no broken heart. What I've got left is being held together by the smallest of threads; I'm not taking any chances.

Granted, given what I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s not likely that I’d stumble back into an abusive scenario, but you never can tell. I might be at a low point in my life and just happen to meet the wrong guy at the right time. “Stop thinking like that,” you’re saying, “that won’t happen. You’ll meet a really great guy someday; someone you deserve and who deserves you.” Blah, blah, blah… Okay, sure. And I should believe you why? Besides, meeting someone is not likely to happen when the only places I go are to the supermarket and the kids’ schools – well, the kids’ schools starting soon. I run errands and come home. Even when I start working – which I have to develop a plan for soon, by the way, because I have to get out there into the paralegal world to start offering my services – I’ll be meeting people that I’ll be working with and dating them doesn’t fly with me. Once I get my own place I’ll have the kids to take care of and work to do so that’ll leave little free time to socialize. So what am I worried about? I guess nothing, since there won’t really be an opportunity for me to “get out there and mingle.”

Am I looking for your sympathy? Nope, don’t need it. I’m just feeling really ugly today after the way the kids have been treating me and there’s nothing like a good dose of PTSD to bring back all the shitty things that have happened in my life. This is my time to sit and wallow in my own pathetic misery and to feel sorry for myself. I don’t even have anyone to dream about; did you know that? You know how most people have an idol or icon or someone famous that they fantasize about? I don’t. There isn’t anyone worthwhile, in my opinion, for me to dream about in my quiet time. In order to fall asleep, I have to go shopping in my head or something equally boring. I’m not asking for your sympathy, empathy, condolences, words of wisdom, sarcastic remarks, or even a tissue. I just wanted to vent and to let the world know that I plan on growing old by myself; not even with a pet around. Once my current cats are gone, there’ll be no more pets for me.

Thirty years from now I’ll be sitting alone in my home watching TV, waiting for my usual Saturday evening phone call from one of my kids; whichever kid is scheduled to call that week after they’ve all drawn straws. Otherwise I’ll just mosey back and forth from the kitchen to the living room waiting for the sun to rise and set each day. Maybe I’ll talk to Ellen occasionally, but she’ll probably be busy with her man and her life. (No, she doesn’t have one right now; we’re talking future, folks.) I’ll have to take up a hobby or something so I’ll be able to keep my mind occupied and alert; otherwise my kids will put me in a home and then I’ll never hear from them again. Perhaps I can learn to play Bridge. No, that won’t work, you need four people to play it and I only have one friend. That sucks. Okay, so I can spend my time playing Solitaire. Yep, that’ll work. That’s why the game was invented right; for the lonely?

Anyway, I think I’m done ranting for now. I just get tired of being treated like crap and not knowing what to do about it or how to make myself feel better about it. What is a highlight, though, is that I know some really great people who so totally deserve to have true love and happiness in their lives. Those people will absolutely make great spouses one day and will be a delight to whoever falls in love with them. Maybe I’ll even get to attend the weddings; dateless, of course. At least I’ll have something to look forward to in life, though. For now, however, I’m outta here and ready to continue being ignored and treated like shit by my kids.

Until next time…peace to all.